


Oceans of Despair

by orphan_account



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: AU, Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Religious, Catholic Character, Demonic Possession, M/M, Minor Character Death, Psychological Horror, Religious Content, Sexual Content, Supernatural Elements
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-06-12
Updated: 2018-01-23
Packaged: 2018-11-13 09:04:23
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 14,360
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11181480
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: “You went through with becoming a priest, I thought you were joking to get rid of me.” Yuri laughed this time, a mockery behind his laughter but Otabek couldn't blame him, if it somehow made him feel better. “It's been three years, I thought I would be prepared for this but I was wrong.” Yuri's laughter faltered and he looked away from Otabek, turning to gaze at the cross in front of them instead. “It hurts more than it should.”AU. Otabek is a priest with a troubled past, someone may or may not be possessed- it’ll all make more sense once he remembers.





	1. Part I

**Author's Note:**

> This piece is dedicated to my muse. 
> 
> Disclaimer: There might be a few inaccuracies about Catholism and I apologize in advanced, even after intense research there must be something I missed. Also, this fic might not be suitable for those who are religious as I might write about touchy subjects, just wanted to add that and make sure I don't offend anyone, it is not my intention.

The church bells rung loudly, the sound of it never familiarizing with him, perhaps it was the fear of never loving what he decided to dedicate his whole life to or just the memories of his past. A past that defined him with certainty. Otabek walked back into the church, the afternoon was chilly, the air of the fall leaving goosebumps on his mere exposed skin, of course, blame it on the wind. Mass had been over not long ago, Otabek watched quietly as the people filed out courteously out of the church, shaking hands with Father James at the entrance. He smiled at the last people leaving, soaking his fingertips with holy water and gently bringing it up to his forehead, drawing a cross. 

Otabek didn't spot _him_ until he was halfway through the long hallway. He couldn't miss the blonde locks of hair, reaching further down the man's back than what he remembered. He definitely couldn't miss the way he stood, even as casual as it was he was as approachable as Otabek recalled. Otabek stared at the blonde haired man standing by the cross in the front, his lips tugged into a soft smile as he removed the sunglasses covering the emerald eyes that Otabek reminisced with fondness, the ones that pierced into his soul without a warning. Eyes that could gently kill, if that was the sole purpose of it. 

Yuri Plisetsky spoke before Otabek was able to reach him, his voice was different, deeper and something more Otabek couldn't pin point. A voice so gentle, calm like waves dancing lazily in the ocean. “You remember me.” Yuri spoke confidently enough to let it slide as a statement rather than a question. Otabek nodded slowly, feeling his chest fill up with, excitement? Realization? He searched desperately for words but he couldn't think of anything, anything that would fill in the awkwardness and the shock of seeing him again. 

_How could I forget?_ He thought, no one ever forgets their first love, is what they say. It's hard to forget, really, someone like Yuri is always unforgettable. But that's far from the point, it was wrong, giving his place at that moment, it was unholy. He didn't have the intention to disrespect the house of God, he shook his head and forced himself to clear his mind. They stood in silence before Otabek grew the courage to speak. “Yuri, how could I forget you?” Otabek started, his voice firmer than he anticipated. “What brings you here?”

“You went through with becoming a priest, I thought you were joking to get rid of me.” Yuri laughed this time, a mockery behind his laughter but Otabek couldn't blame him, if it somehow made him feel better. “It's been three years, I thought I would be prepared for this but I was wrong.” Yuri's laughter faltered and he looked away from Otabek, turning to gaze at the cross in front of them instead. “It hurts more than it should.” 

His heart dropped at that, his chest filling with anxiety and rage at the man in front of him, he had no right to do that. Come back into his life after three years and tell him how much he hurt to see Otabek do what he had been looking for this whole time. “It's the first time in three years you step into this church,” Otabek took the opportunity to switch the topic, his gaze burning into Yuri's eyes. 

Yuri smiled uncomfortably, walking over to the nearest bench and sitting down, waiting for Otabek to do the same before he spoke again. “It's been more time since I've stepped inside any church,” Yuri's smile didn't fade away, his eyes not meeting Otabek, rather taking interest in the altar in front of them. “But my mother is sick and dying in a hospital bed.” 

Otabek’s instinct was to grasp the smaller man’s wrist, try his best to comfort him, like he would with anyone else in the same situation. “I'm sorry,” he whispered but before he was able to continue, Yuri drastically pulled away, his eyes connecting with Otabek’s for a brief second before glancing away again.

“I don't need your pity, the only reason why I'm here is for my dying mother.” Yuri scoffed, crossing his legs and spreading his arms wide against the wooden bench, millimeters away from touching Otabek’s shoulder. “Turns out this is the church she used to attend before she got sick, so I really have no choice.” 

Otabek nodded to himself, thinking thoroughly about his choices, he could go to Father James or he could go himself, which was by far what he was trying to avoid the most. But something called him, pulled him in and without overthinking it and driving himself to insanity, he spoke clearly. He knew Yuri's mother was trying to seek comfort in God’s words. “I'll go, if that's okay with you.” 

The blonde seemed unbothered by his words, he sighed lowkey and shrugged. “Sure, I don't care.” 

After consulting with Father James and listening to him say how proud he was of him, (although Otabek didn't feel like the compliment suited him, he nodded regardless) Otabek grabbed his bible and headed outside where Yuri waited for him in his car. The ride to the hospital was quiet except for Yuri's constant grumbling and questioning if Otabek liked the music playing. “I don't mind, whatever you want to listen to is fine with me.” He answered calmly and Yuri's only response was to switch the radio station. 

It had been a month ago since he'd officially joined the Sacred Faith Church as a priest, sure, he had been to many similar cases with Father James but this was the first one he was going to be alone. Having Yuri uncomfortably fidgeting with his hands wasn't necessarily helping either. Regardless, he took a moment to relax and recite a prayer under his breath. 

They reached the hospital not long after, Yuri didn't say a word, letting Otabek follow behind him through the quiet fluorescent lit hallways. Otabek made eye contact with a few people, some with eyes of desperation and dark circles under them. He knew his presence wasn't going to suddenly fix everything but he made a mental reminder to pray for them as well. 

Yuri suddenly came to a stop in front of a door Otabek assumed to be his mother’s room, he allowed the blonde to take his time, obviously having a hard time with the whole situation. “She doesn't look good,” Yuri whispered, his face still facing the door and his hand holding the doorknob tightly. 

“It's okay.” Otabek reassured, he was there for that exact reason. Unconsciously, he brought his hand to Yuri's shoulder but before he could say any words of encouragement he felt the exact moment his heart dropped to his stomach, anxiety came crashing over him like vicious waterfalls, a touch so shocking he almost felt it painfully traveling throughout his whole body. Was he dreaming? 

“Are you okay?” — he couldn't concentrate, there was a ringing in his ear, his vision slightly distorted, the grip Otabek had on his bible, tighten, the pain in his fist was all he could truly feel at that moment. “Did you-- did you feel it too?” He saw Yuri's green eyes after blinking several times, his vision adjusting again. He was inside the room, the next thing he focused on was a thin woman sleeping in the bed, her chest expanding slowly, peacefully. 

“What?” He asked, still in a daze, his feet taking him to stand next to the woman. He adjusted his collar, swallowing thickly, his eyes not once leaving the sick lady in front of him. 

“You looked lost for a second,” Yuri answered, his voice losing the harsh tone he had before, Otabek felt Yuri next to him but his eyes couldn't look away from Yuri's mother. “You felt it too, didn't you?” 

_Felt what? Like my whole body was slowly giving out, like there was something powerful in this room controlling me?_ “Yes.” Otabek breathed out harshly, opening his bible to a page he had bookmarked. He was still shaken from the experience, he wanted to get out, but a strong force pulled him in and somewhat made him act even if he was on autopilot. 

“What is it?” Yuri pleaded, “it doesn't feel right, I don't know what to do, I don't even know why I brought you here, I-” Yuri stopped his rambling to see his mother waking up. He whimpered softly, immediately bringing his hand to his mouth to stop the sobs from coming out. “Mother,” he used his other hand to touch her hand, his body getting extremely close to Otabek's. “I did what you told me, I don't know what else to do.” He sobbed, his grip tightening around her hand. 

“Get-” she coughed painfully, after a few seconds of her attempts to recovery, she looked at Otabek, her eyes piercing into his—an unreadable yet dangerous expression. “Get out!” She hissed lowly, her voice cracking as she continued to say the same words, over and over. “GET OUT! GET OUT!” Her voice had gained volume, a nurse barging into the room as if Otabek was trying to kill her. 

Otabek couldn't say anything, he stared dumbfoundedly as the nurse tried to get her under control, he watched as Yuri backed away, his eyes lost in the whole chaos. Another nurse asked Otabek to leave the room, he felt powerless. Everything felt so surreal and he wanted to disappear, it was like he was seeing himself from outside his body, everything he had done felt like wasted time, thrown out like trash. The nurse was telling him something but he couldn't answer or understand, his head nodding at all her lost words. It didn't feel right, it wasn't suppose to be like this. He couldn't identify it, he was scared, no, anxious? Something in that room had caused it and he needed to figure it out.


	2. Part II

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _"Yuri, you can't ask questions like that.” Otabek laughed, bringing the blonde closer to him, the bed was their little cocoon, away from reality, is what they believed. And plus he couldn't be serious, there was nothing to do or say that would make him change his decision._
> 
> _Yuri pressed his head to Otabek's chest, if he concentrated enough he was able to hear the peacefulness of a heartbeat. “So it's out of my control, but are you really going to live life for someone else, even when you don't want this?”_
> 
> _Yes. If living for someone else is what he wants to call it, it was going to be just that. “It's what I want.” Otabek whispered, a shuddered breath escaping his lips. “There's nothing that can change my mind.” He kissed Yuri's forehead carefully, the latter snuggling tighter to his body._
> 
> _Not even you._

_I have chosen the faithful way;  
I have placed Your ordinances before me._

_Psalm 119:30_

Otabek found himself in the hospital's chapel. The room was dim, a few candles lit up at the front, weeping people were heard from afar. He sat in the last row, his hands clutching his rosary tightly, he didn't realize he had been praying quietly, whispering lowly as his fingers passed each bead carefully. _It doesn't feel right_. It's what he thought as the pounding in his chest decreased, his mind clearing by the minute. 

“Hey,” a low voice came from his right side and he turned immediately to find Yuri standing there, his hands holding the Bible that belonged to him. “I-I'm sorry,” Yuri struggled to find his words, he sat down next to Otabek it was then when he noticed the puffiness in his eyes, the known tears that had fallen not long ago. 

Otabek nodded, he didn't need an apology. “It's okay, it's not your fault.” He took the opportunity to get his bible back from the blonde, his fingers grazing the delicate skin of his hand, he felt his throat tightening at the feeling of another person's touch. It wasn't just any person, Otabek knew that. 

The fogginess in his mind didn't clear up completely, there was an unknown force that still made it hard for him to breathe, to concentrate on what was happening in that moment. Yuri sighed, his eyes focused in the front of the small chapel, a simple crossed placed in the middle. “What should I call you?” He asked quietly and it took a few seconds for Otabek to realize what he was talking about. 

He didn't expect Yuri to call him ‘Father’, it felt odd, like it was never suppose to happen. Otabek didn't think he even deserved that title, not with everything that was in his mind. “Just call me Otabek.” Yuri nodded slowly. 

“It was a panic attack, I knew I should have waited a while until I brought you but she had asked me to do it and I guess it just felt right.” He shook his head, evidently still struggling to speak without breaking down. “I know- you felt something, you said you did, what was it?” 

Otabek hummed, thinking about it brought goosebumps back to his skin, he shivered, his eyes focused on the Bible in his lap. “No,” — “I think I overreacted, this is my first time, I panicked.” It couldn't be anything, he would know, he was no expert but he would know, even then curiosity still hit him. He had wanted to figure out minutes ago, but then it just seemed like wasted time to follow through something he panicked over. Or maybe he was still in denial. Maybe he didn't want to put himself through this, bring back memories that were buried in the past. Memories that he didn't need, at all. “I need to talk to Father James. Yuri, I don't know what to tell you.” 

“So that's it?” Yuri chuckled, this time his eyes connected with Otabek's, his gaze burning strongly, like he wanted to set it all on fire. “Otabek, what needs to happen to make you change your mind?” 

***

_“Yuri, you can't ask questions like that.” Otabek laughed, bringing the blonde closer to him, the bed was their little cocoon, away from reality, is what they believed. And plus he couldn't be serious, there was nothing to do or say that would make him change his decision._

_Yuri pressed his head to Otabek's chest, if he concentrated enough he was able to hear the peacefulness of a heartbeat. “So it's out of my control, but are you really going to live life for someone else, even when you don't want this?”_

_Yes. If living for someone else is what he wants to call it, it was going to be just that. “It's what I want.” Otabek whispered, a shuddered breath escaping his lips. “There's nothing that can change my mind.” He kissed Yuri's forehead carefully, the latter snuggling tighter to his body._

_Not even you._

***

Otabek closed his eyes tightly, pinching the bridge of his nose. _Why now? Why am I remembering now?_ He took a few deep breaths trying to get his thoughts together. A hint of a headache coming to light. “I don't know what you want from me,” he spoke weakly, unwanted memories still present in his mind. “I don't know how I can help you.” In reality, he didn't want to put himself through that, again. 

Yuri stood up rapidly from the bench, like he needed to get somewhere quick, he walked over to the door of the chapel, his back was to Otabek when he finally spoke. “Come back, keep coming back, I don't know why but I need you to keep coming, even if it hurts you-- and me.” His voice sounded distant but so genuine, the flutters in Otabek's stomach didn't subside and he nodded even when the blonde left the room without saying another word. 

 

Sunset was plastered across the sky, a beautiful and serene reminder of an unforgettable youth, time went by like it didn't exist, if only that was enough for him. 

Father James was filing paperwork when Otabek returned back to the church. He entered his office quietly, trying not to disturb the older man who wrote concentratedly on the papers in front of him. “How did it go?” He asked, finally turning to look at Otabek. 

Otabek thought about it, if he should tell father James about his honest experience and just tell it how it was, to avoid the guilt to overcome him later. “Well,”’ he murmured unsure on how to bring it up. He decided to sit down, maybe it would ease the anxiety inside him. “It was odd, i couldn't do it, I felt out of control.” He confessed, his eyes turning away from Father James. 

“What happened?” 

“I don't know.” It was true, he couldn't really put a name to it, it felt out of worldly and perhaps it was. “Do you believe in evil? Evil that we can't see but only feel.” Otabek knew that evil existed, because with everything good in the world there had to be its opposite, it felt silly to ask a question like that but he didn't know how else to approach it. “I don't know what happened but it felt like something was trying to take over me, I didn't feel like myself and even now I still can't grasp the idea of--” 

“Son,” Father James spoke louder than usual, his face displaying, anger? Confusion? He startled Otabek in the process of finally trying to get his thoughts aligned. “There's certain things we must not approach without having full understanding of. Rest, that's all I'm going to tell you. You're young, it makes you vulnerable to certain thinking, don't let it influence you.” 

Otabek nodded, looking down and noticing his hand clutching tightly around the wooden chair handle, he breathed out, feeling his back relax as Father James looked at him with uncertainty but full understanding of his emotions. He was right, he needed to think it through, the shock of-- Yuri and seeing him again did not help one bit. 

-

Evil. That's what he was thinking, but he couldn't understand it, not completely. Otabek stretched his body, trying to find comfort in the darkness of those four walls. He glanced out the window, a dark sky and the distant sound of an airplane passing by. He couldn't catch sleep, when he closed his eyes all he saw was green eyes staring at him, a gaze so strong it pained him, a pain he wanted to forget and bury deep down into the unknown where it should be kept. 

The loud knocking coming from his apartment's front door startled him, making him get up rapidly to investigate the obnoxious intrusion of what was suppose to be a peaceful sleep. The sound came again, more frantic, with more energy. Otabek furrowed his brows in confusion, it was late, just past midnight. “Coming!” He shouted when the knocking didn't stop, he hoped his neighbors didn't file a complaint against him the next morning. 

He finally opened the door, squinting his eyes as the bright light of the hallway peeked through the door. That's when he saw him, he kept his head down, merely holding himself up and Otabek knew for sure his heart was going to escape his chest any time soon. 

By just one word, one sound, one movement. 

_Yuri._


	3. Part III

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _“It's nothing, it doesn't hurt. You don't have to do this for me, I can leave it's not like you weren't thinking about how to get rid of me.” Yuri stayed in the couch, he looked at his hands when he spoke, unable to face the man in front of him._
> 
> _“That's not true.” Otabek tried again, this time sitting down next to Yuri, placing a comforting hand on his back but Otabek was pushed away immediately, a mocking chuckle coming from the blonde. There was an excruciating moment of silence before anyone dared to speak again._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments are greatly appreciated :)

_He who conceals his transgressions will not prosper,  
But he who confesses and forsakes them will find compassion._

_Proverbs 28:13_

“Yuri? What are you doing here?” Otabek whispered, still unable to grasp the idea of having Yuri in front of him, again. Yuri didn't answer, his body dramatically dropped to his knees, his hands covered his face, broken cries escaping his lips. 

Otabek acted quickly, grabbing Yuri by his elbows and pulling him up, walking him over to the couch. “Yuri, what's- what's wrong?” He stuttered watching as the blonde cried, each time more louder but still he wouldn't uncover his face. Otabek decided that it was best to let him calm down for whatever reason he felt the need to come to his place, and for that same reason he wasn't going to pressure. 

He went to the kitchen, filling out a glass of water and realizing how shaky his hands were. Other than Yuri showing up, his head started spinning, how did he get his address and why did he show up? _No._ That was unimportant, he grabbed tissues and walked hesitantly back to Yuri. 

Yuri had stopped crying, his eyes stared idly at the dark tv screen in front of him. “I've had a few drinks with some friends, there was so much going through my head I don't know why I came here.” His voice was worn out, just above a whisper. Otabek nodded, handing over the glass of water and the box of tissues. 

“That's okay.” Otabek replied back, getting not another word from Yuri, he drank the water slowly, composing himself as much as he was able to. Minutes passed by until Yuri was able to speak again. This time his eyes looked intently at Otabek’s, the first time since he arrived. Otabek took a deep breath, unable to keep eye contact with the blonde. _What am I feeling? This isn't right._

“Do you mind if I spend the night here? I've been enough for my friends tonight,” Yuri seemed annoyed but it was easy for Otabek to tell that it wasn't about anything or anyone specifically. He knew this expression, Yuri was annoyed with himself. “You can say no. I really don't care, it's no big deal.” _Always so quick to defend your pride._

Otabek smiled softly to ease the awkwardness in the room, he stood up and walked over to his room closet, grabbing an extra pillow and a blanket. “You're more than welcome to stay here, if that's what’d you like.” Otabek gave Yuri the stuff, not missing the way his heart beat faster when Yuri smiled for the first time that night. He recovered quickly from the entire scene or so Otabek thought, there was something behind his composed smile, behind the redness of his eyes but he didn't dare to bring it up. 

“Thank you, Otabek.” Yuri placed the empty glass in the coffee table, starting to remove his shoes and set everything up in the couch. “I’ll repay you with breakfast tomorrow, if it's okay with you, of course.” The blonde commented, laying down on the couch and looking up to Otabek. “It's weird asking you all these things when we used to do it all the time.” Yuri smiled but Otabek saw nothing else more than bitterness. _He should understand._

“Nothing is the same with my position,” Otabek whispered more to himself than to Yuri. _We left this in the past._ “Goodnight.” With those last words, Otabek turned off the lights, walking over to his room and ignoring the boiling blood in his body. It was the past, done, but Yuri’s presence brought back more than what he bargained for. _It's not fair._

Sleep did not come for Otabek that night. He spent his waking hours over thinking and filled with rage. Annoyance drove all over his body and he wanted to get just at least an hour of rest. But dawn came sooner than expected and the singing of the birds did not lull him into sleep. 

He got up, deciding that it was best to get ready for the day than spent any more time thinking of a someone. Someone who happened to be in his living room, sleeping, peacefully while Otabek got none of it. He wore his usual attire except his time he left his collar out, he couldn't do it, he couldn't place it around his neck and go on with his day. He thought he was deceiving God in a way but it could’ve been his inner turmoil speaking for itself. 

As he made his way to the kitchen, he was able to see a slight glimpse of Yuri. The blanket was halfway down his body, having the habit of taking his shirt off at night, his upper body was exposed, Otabek closed his eyes tightly. He passed by him quickly, deciding to start breakfast even when Yuri had said he was going to offer him some. He didn't want it, if he was being honest. 

He made eggs and chopped up some fruit, the sun was fully out this time and the quietness of his apartment made him anxious in a way. He wondered if he should go and wake up Yuri, get him out of his place as soon as possible or let him sleep in. He was drunk last night after all. Otabek sighed, setting up two plates and realizing that kicking Yuri out when he was the most miserable wasn't a good idea. He wanted support and that's what Otabek wanted to give him. Nothing more. 

Otabek took one last breath, it was time to face Yuri, with determination he made his way to the living room. He cleared his throat but before he was able to speak he was left with a dry throat and unable to get one word out. 

Yuri was awake now, his back was to Otabek, he was typing out something on his phone. “You're staring.” Yuri said, his voice raspy and unrecognizable. Otabek swallowed thickly, trying to say something to save himself but all he could focus was on the curve of Yuri's back, the softness of his pale skin and-- bruises? 

“Yuri,” Otabek rasped out, finally getting out of the state of shock, he pushed back the self hatred he felt in that moment and approached the blonde slowly. Otabek’s finger grazed his back, just below his ribs. 

Yuri jumped, turning around startled, “what-what are you doing?” There was confusion and fear in his eyes but Otabek did not look any better. “Don't touch me like that.” He said more louder, backing away from him like he had done the most awful thing in the world. It sure did feel like it. 

“There's bruises on your back,” Otabek said, unable to stop his voice from shaking. “It looks bad-- does it hurt?” 

“No.” Yuri put his shirt on rapidly, grabbing his shoes, trembling in the process. “Don't do this to me, Otabek, I don't need it. I have to go, thanks for letting me stay the night I'm-” 

“Stay.” Otabek blurted out, he crossed his arms and felt his heart drop to his stomach but he couldn't let him go. “I'm sorry but please stay, I made breakfast at least stay and eat it.” 

Yuri stopped fidgeting with his shoes, he blinked a few times trying to understand the intention behind Otabek's words but he couldn't understand. It's not like Otabek knew either but he couldn't let Yuri go, especially in his state and after finding out the bruises in his body that he tried to avoid discussing. 

“It's nothing, it doesn't hurt. You don't have to do this for me, I can leave it's not like you weren't thinking about how to get rid of me.” Yuri stayed in the couch, he looked at his hands when he spoke, unable to face the man in front of him. 

“That's not true.” Otabek tried again, this time sitting down next to Yuri, placing a comforting hand on his back but Otabek was pushed away immediately, a mocking chuckle coming from the blonde. There was an excruciating moment of silence before anyone dared to speak again. 

“You didn't waste the opportunity to touch me, huh? Were you expecting me to show up to your room in the middle of the night, is that why you couldn't sleep?” _What? What is he saying?_ Yuri laughed softly, his head was down, his hair covering half of his face and Otabek couldn't ignore the sudden change in his attitude. “Is the guilt eating you up, Otabek?” 

_No._

Slim fingers made their way to Otabek's leg, Yuri's hand grasping tightly around his thigh, he couldn't move, breathing was impossible, but time was passing by unnoticed and the next thing he saw was Yuri's eyes piercing into his. He had straddled his lap somehow and held him down by pressing firmly on his chest. Yuri was saying something but Otabek couldn't decipher all he heard was a loud ringing in his ears. 

“Touch me.” 

_I shouldn't do this._

_Father, forgive me for I have sinned._

But this sin was never going to escape his lips even if it ate him alive.


	4. Part IV

Clammy hands moved slowly, the hesitance he felt before disintegrated into thin air. Otabek's hands touched Yuri's face first, feeling as the latter sunk into his touch, like old times. “Keep going.” Yuri murmured, he kept his hands on Otabek's chest, but he didn't feel constricted at all, he wanted it, guilt drowned him completely. An ocean of hate and regret, a vicious sea of everything he dreaded. 

Otabek's fingers grazed over his jawline, down his neck, sliding down his blonde hair and playing with it. “Always so beautiful, Yuri.” He heard himself say and Yuri said nothing and smiled, grabbing Otabek's wrist and placing his hand on his waist. 

“Weren't you so worried about me being hurt a while ago?” Yuri took Otabek’s other hand, placing it on the other side of his waist. “What are you waiting for, Otabek? You want this, don't you? Is what you do, let others influence your life-”

A strong headache attacked him furiously, he winced in pain, pushing Yuri off in the process. Otabek heard a loud thud and then- darkness. He felt like he was floating, he was somewhere but he couldn't recognize where, all he knew it was the familiarity in his gut. It was a feeling rather than an image because it was all pitch black. 

_“What are you feeling?”_

It was Yuri's voice but he couldn't see him, he blinked rapidly but the darkness was all he saw even as much as he tried. So many things. He felt sadness, nostalgia, regret and simultaneously, his heart on the verge of exploding. 

_“Why don't you love me anymore? Did everything we had meant anything to you? Did I do something wrong?”_

_I- I'm sorry, Yuri._ Otabek felt the tears running down his face, the warmness of the unwanted tears that fell uncontrollably. He shut his eyes, wanting to suppress everything, leave it behind, the one thing he was good at. 

_“Answer me!”_

He opened his eyes, darkness was gone but instead of seeing the comfort of his apartment he was in his old house. His father's house to be exact. He sat in the dining room, he looked down seeing school papers in front of him, homework he remembered. Otabek looked up to see his father sitting next to him. They looked at one another before his dad spoke. 

“What is it son?” 

_Why am I here._ Otabek shook his head getting a generous smile from his father. “Nothing.” He said, his voice sounded softer, just like when he was a younger. Otabek was able to see it then, the collar his father wore, like the one he had and denied to wear earlier that day. 

“I'm glad you're choosing the lord's path, it's what you really want, isn't it?” His father sipped on his cup of tea and awaited for the younger man to answer his question. He didn't push it, Otabek remembered it was never like that but he was never able to miss the bitterness behind his father's words and actions. 

_No._

“Yes.” Otabek cleared his throat, fidgeting with his pen. “It's the right path for me.” The shakiness of his voice betrayed him but he faked a smile and gazed down. 

“Your mother would have loved to see you have a family, but of course you couldn't give her that, this is the best choice for you.”

“I'm sorry.” Those two words that Otabek was never able to stop saying. Words that dug his grave deeper, words that masked the suffering inside him and spread throughout his bones viciously. 

_“Open your eyes.”_

The image of his apartment started coming into focus, little by little the blurriness was disappearing and then Otabek placed his whole attention on _him_. Yuri smiled and spoke softly, “I didn't mean to wake you up but my friends are here to pick me up.” Otabek sat up quickly, confused by Yuri's changed demeanor. He was in his bedroom. _Was that all just a dream?_ “You're late for work. Thank you for everything.” 

_It felt so real that couldn't be just a dream._ Otabek closed his eyes tightly, if he concentrated enough he was able to feel his touch, the way Yuri felt against his skin. He looked around frantically, trying to make sense out of it, why was he on his bed. Why was he fully dressed and ready for church?

“Wait!” Otabek shouted as Yuri turned around to leave. He got up from his bed and held the blonde's wrist. “What- what happened?” They held eye contact for a little too long, Yuri pulling away from him. 

“Nothing.” Yuri simply said, rubbing the spot Otabek had just placed his hand on. He looked down, avoiding Otabek's confused eyes. “Did you want something to happen?” He whispered, laughing lowly against his hand. 

“Why are you acting so strange? What is going on, you have to tell me-”

Yuri looked up finally, undifferent, “nothing happened, you touched me when you saw bruises on my back, remember? And then you left to your room and nothing happened at all.” 

Otabek sat at the edge of his bed, trying to remember, all he recalled was the same thing over and over again. Yuri's body on his, the strange dream about his father, it couldn't be just that. “What happened to you?” 

“I fell, I was drunk and I fell from the stairs.” Yuri laughed again, more somber than before. “I have to go, my mother is in the hospital in case you forget, I think she's ready to see you.” 

Thinking about it brought goosebumps to his skin. Otabek couldn't get rid of the image, of how much panic she was going through just by seeing him. He didn't want to do it because it only brought unwelcome waterfalls of emotions. “I'll be there.” 

But he had to. 

\--

Otabek felt a strong gaze on his back as he rushed through the long church corridor. Surely if it was God judging him, it was well deserved. He reached Father James as he got everything ready for mass. He didn't look happy with him, Otabek couldn't make any excuse, tardiness was unacceptable and more so when he hadn't been late since he started working there. 

“You missed confessionals.” Father James said. 

Otabek didn't know how to respond, he couldn't give him a genuine response without dragging himself through the mud. He didn't have the courage to tell father James what was happening, all the confusion going through his mind, and so much more. 

“You look worried,” the Father spoke again, his anger gone, even just enough for Otabek to feel relieved. “Are you having doubts?” 

“No.” Otabek replied quickly, feeling his palms become sweaty with the nervousness running through his body. 

“Good. You're here for a reason, Otabek. You were chosen by the Lord.” 

He wasn't chosen, not at all, he was left with no choice but to become whatever his father wanted him to. He felt guilt and sorrow flowing all over him, knowing too well that whatever voice he heard in his dream wasn't lying. It could've been his subconscious, it could've been God himself giving him a sign to give it up, that a path filled with bumps and tests was not for him. 

Either way, a sign like that was far too late for him to do anything about it. There was no escape, it's what he wanted, it's what his father and mother wanted and even if it haunts him every single day of his life, he won't back down. 

Otabek drove to the hospital later that day, back to someone who needed him years ago and even forgotten like the wind he needed him again for different reasons. It wasn't the same as last time, he was more relaxed than before even upon seeing Yuri crossed arm in the uninviting waiting room. He felt his heart skip a beat. 

“Thanks for coming.” The blonde whispered, walking him over to two people who sat near him. “This is Victor and Katsuki,” Yuri said, glancing at his friends before turning back to Otabek, “and this is Otabek, my old college friend and the priest who's here to see my mother.” There was no emotion when he spoke, Otabek would be lying if he said it didn't affect him, made his heart softer than usual. 

They all exchanged greetings, all observing how Yuri walked back and forth through the small crowded space, they were worried just as much as he was. “He's been like this all day, all this time we've been here.” The silver haired man, Victor, spoke. “He doesn't want to talk about it but I'm scared it's going to wore him out.” Otabek nodded, his eyes glued to the nervous wreck that was left off Yuri. 

“You should try and talk to him.” Katsuki offered, and Otabek wished the ground swallowed him whole when Yuri's sudden attention was on him. He nodded again and swallowed thickly, hesitantly walking closer to Yuri. His green eyes luring him closer to him. 

“Otabek,” Yuri whispered once he reached him, “do you remember how your hands felt on me?” _What? No, it can't be true, it was all a dream!_ Yuri smirked, chuckling to himself, “was it that good it left you speechless or did the cat get your tongue?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed, comments are appreciated:)


	5. Part V

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think I finally know where I want to take this fic. Thanks for reading <3

Otabek backed away immediately, bumping into a chair behind him, he couldn't look Yuri in the eyes, Otabek knew he had lied to himself but it stung even more when realization hit. He had betrayed God, too. 

“It's not- that's not true, that didn't happen, it couldn't-- I--” he searched desperately for words, for some explanation, for something that would make Yuri take those words back. 

“Calm down, it's no big deal, you're making a scene.” 

He was right, he couldn't make it a big deal especially in here, where everyone's attention was on him. Judging him. “How could you say something like that? When you know how much it all means to me?” Otabek collected himself rapidly, keeping his voice from grabbing any more attention. He needed to get out, he couldn't do it any longer. “I'm leaving. I'm sorry, I can't--” 

“Mr. Plisetsky, your mother wants to see you.” A nurse walked up to them just as Otabek had made up his mind. Yuri's sinister smile only grew bigger. As if his plans were coming together. 

“You can't leave now, you know, she really wants to see you.” 

Anxiety ran all over him, he breathed as much as he could, he couldn't forget that. With each step he took, his heartbeat grew louder in his ears, but he followed Yuri. Regardless of all the pain he was going through, his gut feeling told him to carry on. Even as much pain as it was all causing him, it wouldn't kill him. 

The room was just as he remembered, it felt cold and the anxiety he felt only increased as he approached the woman lying on the hospital bed. 

“Mother,” Yuri said, getting no reaction from her, he held her arm and spoke louder, “Yulia.” The woman gasped at the disturbance, she opened her eyes. “I thought you wanted to see me,” Yuri smiled. “Look who I brought again.” Yulia didn't say anything as she stared intently at Yuri. 

A few seconds passed by, the loud ticking of the clock allowed Otabek to ground himself. He could do it, there was no big deal at all. “I'd like to talk to him, privately.” Yulia said just above a whisper, the raspiness of her voice more evident. Yuri nodded locking eyes with Otabek before leaving the room quietly, the door clicking behind him. 

“That's not my son,” Otabek's eyes widened, what was he suppose to say to that? But then he wondered, perhaps she knew more than he thought. “He did something to you, didn't he?” Otabek shook his head, he couldn't confess it. “I asked him to see a priest, he found you. Otabek, I don't think it was a coincidence.” 

“I don't know anything about that, ma'am, I'm here for you.” Otabek didn't want to have this conversation, he couldn't bear to remember the past events with Yuri. But she wasn't wrong, his encounter with Yuri was not a coincidence, him showing up to his apartment, everything else wrong with Yuri. He realized, the anxiety he felt was gone once Yuri stepped out of the room. 

“You know what I'm talking about, Otabek you forgot that I used to know you too, just like I knew Yuri.” Yulia coughed loudly, holding her side as her whole body trembled. “You need to help him, as much as I hate to admit it, that is not my son, he's changed so much and only you and I truly know him.” 

_I don't think I have the right to know him anymore._ “What's wrong with him?” Otabek asked, almost begging for an answer, that way he was able to understand why Yuri was acting so strange. Why he had found him after years, and carried on like nothing was wrong, especially after breaking his heart. 

“Time’s up, Yulia,” Yuri walked in as Yulia was going to answer, she turned her head just as she saw him approaching her. “I'm sure Otabek has a lot of things to do.” 

“Give us one more minute, please.” Yulia didn't face him. 

“No.” Yuri almost growled, he looked mad and unsatisfied with his mother's request. 

“I don't mind speaking to her for a little longer,” Otabek chipped in, grabbing Yuri's forearm, trying to convince him. He needed to know, now that he was this deep in the whole situation. 

Yuri reacted quickly, backing away from Otabek's touch. “Don't touch me!” Otabek apologized, backing away as well to give him more space but he couldn't help but notice something about the whole encounter. Yuri’s nose started bleeding as soon as he stepped away. 

“Yuri, your nose,” Otabek grabbed a few tissues from the nightstand next to the bed and rushed over to help him, this time he wasn't pushed away. 

It all happened so suddenly after that, Yuri's body dropping to the floor, Yuri holding his head like that would help the exploding headache from attacking him. He squirmed in pain as Otabek knelt down next to him, in shock and not knowing what to do. He kept repeating three words over and over again. _Make it stop!”_

“Go get the nurse.” Yulia spoke as loud as she could, as loud as she was able to get Otabek out of his own thoughts and get him to do something. He nodded, trembling as he got up and ran out of the room to find help. 

A nurse walked up to him, calling out as she saw how in shock he was, unable to get a word out. “What's wrong? Is it Yulia?” 

Otabek shook his head, meeting the nurse halfway, “no-- it's Yuri, I don't know what happened,” they both went back to the room but when they got there, Yuri was gone. 

“Where did he go?” The nurse asked, looking everywhere to find the blonde, but with no luck he was definitely gone. 

Yulia wouldn't face any of them, she cried softly in her own misery. “Otabek, go find him, please. You need to help him.” Yulia spoke softly, her eyes not meeting his, he couldn't help but see the pain in them, he knew she felt helpless and he understood her more than ever. 

He went back to the waiting room, perhaps Victor or Katsuki knew where he left to. He wondered about Yulia’s words as he walked, it wasn't simple to understand but he didn't want to think the worse, keeping Father James’ words in mind. If it was evil and he was well aware of that it wouldn't be simple to make it all go away. Like one would do to a bad dream. How could he even help? When his faith was tested so harshly through those few days? 

What was he even thinking? Nothing made sense. 

“What happened?” Victor stood up, worry washed all over him. 

“Yuri left, he wasn't feeling well and he disappeared after I tried to get help.” Otabek was glad he was able to say it without the panic in him betraying him. 

Victor relaxed, looking at Katsuki before speaking again. “He does that all the time, the best thing to do is leave him alone, he’ll appear anytime soon.” Katsuki stood next to him, playing with his hands. 

“Have you talked to him? Has he told you anything? To be honest, we're worried about him.” He said. 

Otabek cleared his throat, swatting away any sinful thoughts about their encounter. “No, he hasn't told me anything.” That wasn't a lie but he couldn't say anything about his experiences because it would all be over. The moment he spoke up about it, everything he knew would be gone. Forever. 

Katsuki nodded, “you shouldn't stress about it, he’ll show up and come around, I'm sure.” 

 

Otabek went back to the church, after saying his goodbyes to Victor and Katsuki, he couldn't face Yulia without giving her details about Yuri's whereabouts. Only if he knew. But he went back truly following his instincts and hoping that prayer would save him from the storm he got himself into. Even if God forgave him, he couldn't forgive himself, he didn't deserve it. 

He went back to Father James’ office, hoping to find some kind of guidance, but what he found was not the first thing he wanted to really put himself through. Yuri sat there, behind Father James’ desk, he wasn't at all positive why out of all places Yuri decided to come back here but it was progress nonetheless. 

“Yuri, your mother is worried about you, how are you feeling?” Otabek approached him slowly, he didn't want to ruin it and have him running away again, Yuri didn't face him, his gaze glued on the crucifix placed across the wall. Otabek reached him in a matter of seconds and stood next to him, not too close for him to feel uncomfortable. 

“You can get closer, I can tell what you want from me, it's the same of what I want.” Yuri finally turned to face him, his eyes were teary and he looked sad but Otabek had no right to point those things out, especially of how awfully it pained his own heart. 

“What is it?” Otabek whispered, afraid that if he spoke any louder it would send Yuri scattering away and now that he had him there, he didn't dare to let him go. His presence alone terrified him, it brought him back to when they were just years younger. When Otabek didn't have to worry about making everyone else happy but himself and even so after years of not having to do that, it all became a routine. A toxic habit that he didn't want to get out of, he knew because that's what he was destined to. 

“It's not complicated, you shouldn't overthink it,” Yuri said, sighing, soft eyes landing on Otabek. “You think too much, but you didn't think this through, did you?” He sighed again. “Why did you think this was okay, leave everything you know behind and make someone who doesn't even care about you happy?” A small smile appeared on his face, he looked at Otabek with more intention, no, it was more like determination. “How can you believe in something you can't see when I'm here, giving you everything you've ever wanted?” 

Otabek closed his eyes, ignoring the burning questions and the gaze piercing into him. He didn't have to answer any of it, Yuri out of everyone in the whole world knew why, it was an attack against his own faith, the one he'd been trying to keep together. He opened his eyes, Yuri didn't say anything, he was waiting for a response, ever so patiently. “That's not true. You don't understand.” 

“Fine. You're too sensitive.” Yuri looked away, playing idly with a pen in front of him, “I have a better idea.” Otabek knew it couldn't possibly be good but being around Yuri made him delirious in the worst way possible, it made him feel out of it, it wasn't like old times if he remembered correctly. Those times when he knew he loved him, this was different, he lost control of all his willpower when he was around him. 

The blonde got up quickly, walking over to the door and all Otabek heard was the clicking of the door lock. “What are you-” Yuri's hands were on his waist then, grabbing him from behind, he shivered, unable to turn around and stop him. 

“Shh,” his hands slid down his body, Otabek was frozen in place, no, he was able to move, he knew because he grabbed Yuri's hands and squeezed them tightly, but he didn't push him away. “You can stop me but you choose not to,” Yuri laughed, fingers wrapping around Otabek's belt, slowly undoing it, until he reached the buttons of his pants. “What is it going to be, Otabek? How much do you want this?” 

Otabek groaned, shutting his eyes and letting his body lose, he felt Yuri's ragged breath behind him, he heard his own and it made him feel exasperated and powerless but he wasn't fooling anyone, not even himself. He wanted it.


	6. Part VI

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading :)

Yuri turned him around, smirking and walking him backwards until Otabek's knees buckled against the chair. Dropping with an oomph, Otabek looked up to see the blonde, to grasp any idea of what was the intention behind all this. He knew, but perhaps pretending that he had no take in it made him feel better. “What do you think, Otabek? Still not stopping me?” Yuri snickered, straddling his lap and kissing him behind his ear. 

Otabek rested his eyes, unable to keep his mind focus, he lost more of himself as time passed by. “How do you do this to me?” He begged, he wanted to scream and end it all, end it before he drove himself to insanity. “Please, Yuri.” 

“Please what? Are you giving in to your temptations or pretending you don't want this as much as I do?” Yuri kept kissing down his neck, his hips moving slowly. “Tell me, Otabek.” 

“I want you.” Otabek finally admitted, he felt a sharp pain in his chest, it didn't matter, the pain he felt was well deserved. _I'm so sorry_. No prayer was enough to save him from this and saying sorry wasn't going to fix the sin he had committed.

Yuri moaned against his ear, his hips picking up speed. Otabek remembered the blissfulness every time they touched, every single movement when they were together. He was invincible when he was with Yuri and because he wanted to cherish that feeling, always, there was no stopping now. 

“What did my mother tell you, huh?” Otabek couldn't answer, his mind was somewhere else, but he didn't miss the shortness of breath in Yuri's voice, it drove him crazy. “Did she say I wasn't the same?” Yuri laughed sweetly this time. “Does this not feel like me, Otabek, you should know. How I feel, it's exactly how you remember, isn't it?”

Otabek couldn't deny it. 

“Yes.” He whispered, allowing Yuri to sink deeper into his touch, Otabek grabbed his face, fully aware that this was the Yuri he always knew, _his Yuri_. He closed the distance between them, their lips pressed together for the first time in many years. The longing and intimacy of it came crashing promptly, he embraced the sweetness of lost time, of lost love and hope. 

A genuine smile appeared on both of their faces after the long awaited kiss, after they finally reunited their bodies and most importantly their souls. “I'll give you something better than a kiss,” Yuri bit his lip, climbing off Otabek's lap and dropping to his knees. He grinned, his hands slowly undoing Otabek's pants completely. Otabek closed his eyes, his hands instinctively grabbing Yuri's hair. 

He was too wrapped up in the perfect illusion, in the way Yuri knew how to touch him, how perfectly he spoke to him. Otabek was captivated by all of the feelings Yuri brought back to the surface and he embraced them all. He was too busy to notice Father James calling him from the other side of the door, he was too gone to notice the doorknob turning and finally revealing the Father in complete shock at the sight of the two lovers. 

Otabek snapped out of it as soon as his eyes connected with the Father, he pushed Yuri off, standing up and collecting himself. Embarrassment washed all over him, he couldn't hear anything other than the cries coming from Yuri and Father James indistinctively screaming at him. 

_No, this wasn't his fault!_ “Father!” He was finally able to speak, he needed to atleast do something good in his life. He couldn't watch and let Yuri take all the blame for their sinful doings. “It's not his fault!” 

“Are you serious, Otabek? After everything I've done for you, how could you betray God and let this _faggot_ ruin your life?!” It was the most angry Otabek had seen him but even with all the anger he had he wasn't going to allow him to talk about Yuri like that. He didn't deserve it, no one did. Those words stabbed maliciously at the wound Otabek had dedicated his life to healing. 

“Don't call him that.” Otabek spoke firmly, helping Yuri up from the floor, he stood behind him, hiding his face away from the priest. “I know you're angry but,” Otabek couldn't stop his voice from shaking, his peak of adrenaline dropping down, unfallen tears threatening to erupt, especially with Yuri trembling next to him. “If you have anyone to blame, it's me, I take full responsibility for our actions and I will take whatever punishment you give me without complaints.” He looked down, hoping that it would be enough for Father James to understand. 

He was wrong. 

“Get out of my church! I'm sure God will take care of giving you both a punishment! I don't want to see you or this sinner ever again!” The priest’s words hurt like daggers, but there was nothing he could’ve done. Anger revealed so much at times. It couldn't all be over, it wasn't a possibility, everything had happened so quickly. 

Otabek grabbed Yuri by his hand, dragging him out of there as fast as he could. Yuri didn't say a word, he kept his head down, his body shuddering. Otabek didn't dare to turn back, he was able to hear the priest yelling at them, each insult not only aimed at Yuri but also at him. It hurt, but there was no time to complain or overthink it, it' was the consequences. 

“Wait!” Yuri finally spoke once they reached outside, he suddenly tumbled down to the ground, his free hand coming up to cover his mouth. He gagged, evidently holding back as much as he could, “I need the bathroom.” He mumbled. 

Otabek didn't think twice about sneaking into the church’s courtyard, where the bathrooms were. He pulled Yuri all the way there, luckily they got there in time. Otabek held Yuri’s hair as he threw up, each time louder than the previous, he couldn't help but look away. “I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, Otabek.” Yuri cried out each time he emptied out his stomach. 

Otabek didn't say anything, only rubbing soothing circles on his back. Everything started to sink in. 

 

“Are you okay?” Otabek asked after Yuri was done, the blonde sat next to the toilet unable to face him. “Yuri, it's not your fault.” He tried again but Yuri sunk deeper into a ball and cried lowly. “It was me who didn't stop you.” 

“Stop!” Yuri cried out, “it was my fault, I couldn't control it, I don't know what’s going on anymore!” Yuri's green eyes finally looked up to Otabek, he didn't look fine, he was pale and looked so different from earlier. It was as if he were a complete different person but Otabek couldn't pinpoint exactly what it was. “I'm terrified, Otabek.” Yuri got up slowly, walking over to the sink, where Otabek stood. He washed his face and rinsed his mouth, looking at his reflection attentively. 

“What do you mean, what can’t you control?” He asked, exasperated, it pained him to see Yuri go through so much pain, he was doing well a while ago he needed to know what made him change so suddenly.

Knowing Yuri the way he did, Otabek knew something was awfully wrong. Yuri was strong, compared to anyone else and more so compared to himself. 

“Do you see it?” Yuri breathed out, his vision fixated on the mirror, “it's right there, tell me you see it.” Otabek glared at the mirror, where Yuri maintained his gaze but Otabek didn't see a thing, he turned around and like he expected there was nothing. Otabek figured Yuri was probably hallucinating, from all the shock he'd been through. He tried to convince himself of that. 

“I don't see anything,” he said, guilt drowned him, it was all his fault. “you need to see a doctor, Yuri, you don't look so good.” Otabek tried to distract the blonde from his burning stare but it did absolutely nothing, Yuri kept looking at the same place, his eyes watering by the second. 

There was a moment of silence, a moment everything went quiet and then a gust of cold freezing air surrounded them. “It gets stronger when you don't believe me.” Yuri said, his body shivering ever so slightly. Otabek couldn't help but close his eyes, an unseen force making him do so, he heard Yuri clearly but his voice somehow echoed in his head. “But it also gets stronger when you question your faith,” Yuri cried softly, Otabek heard it crystal clear but he didn't dare to open his eyes. “You need to believe me, Otabek, you have seen it happen.” 

_No, this is not real. Yuri, are you real?_ Otabek opened his eyes, immediately connecting with Yuri’s in the mirror, he stood in the same place, then turned his head down somewhat distressed but he couldn't clarify it. “What do you see?” Otabek asked cautiously. 

Yuri cleaned his tears with the back of his hand and cleared his throat, “it's hard to explain it,” he spoke softly. “It's what you felt the first time you went to the hospital, it's the feeling when I showed up to your apartment and did _things_ to you. It's what happened back there in the church.” He looked ashamed and finally Otabek was beginning to understand why. “It's like you lost time, isn't it? But it wasn't only time, you lost control. And for me, I watched as everything happened, like an outsider but I couldn't do anything at all.” His eyes connected with Otabek’s in the mirror and then averted to look behind him. “It's like smoke, like a shadow, it's dark, black-- it floats and sometimes takes shape of a human figure. Red eyes stare at me, it mocks me, Otabek.” 

Otabek turned around, perhaps if he did he would be able to see what Yuri described but he was out of luck. “I-I can't see it. What can I do, Yuri?” He was discouraged and he begged for something, how else was he suppose to fight the one evil thing he couldn't even see. Yuri gasped, he looked even worse than minutes ago. “I don't know what I can do, Yuri, but you don't look so good, you need help.” He swallowed back tears, he couldn't let Yuri down, not after his confession. It was devastating seeing him like this, but Otabek couldn't fight against something he truly didn't comprehend and perhaps fear held him back. 

“No.” Yuri responded, not letting the idea sink in, “it won't help. I can't avoid it, Otabek, it's part of me. The more I resist it the more pain it makes me go through.” As he said that, he kept staring at the mirror, terrified, like something was well worth his attention, approaching him and wanting to harm him. “Take me to your apartment, please.” 

Otabek did what he was told. With the dread and discomfort surrounding them both and the silence of the unspoken events, Yuri followed behind him. He was definitely unusual from before, he looked around his surroundings like something was following him, Otabek couldn't blame him. He didn't say a word, it was better not to. The unspilled sadness and the need to protect Yuri chased him but he carried on. If Yuri felt safe enough to trust him, that had to mean something. The least he could do for him was that and allow his mind to be at ease, even just for a moment.


	7. Part VII

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This fic had been dead in a ditch for weeks, I've revived it. I don't know why but ^~^'

There wasn’t much he could do. The undying pain in his soul didn’t allow him to think straight but he pushed the feeling away and tried to forget. Yuri walked hesitantly into his apartment, he didn’t look any better and Otabek couldn’t convince him to go see a doctor. However, that was besides the point. There was a reason as to why Yuri was in his apartment in the first place, they hadn’t spoken about it, Otabek didn’t have the guts to bring it up.

“Make yourself comfortable, I’ll go make you something to eat.” Otabek rushed to the kitchen before Yuri voiced his distaste in his actions. The complaints didn’t go unnoticed. Otabek cooked something quick, it’s not like Yuri would be picky about it. Perhaps it was the perfect excuse for Otabek to get away for a while. The hotness of the stove suffocated him slowly but he could deal with it, he needed time to process everything. 

As time went on, everything seemed like he was watching from afar. The slow movements of his hands, the sweat beginning to accumulate in his forehead didn’t even feel like it belonged to him. His body was moving but he had no control. He felt dizzy, his vision came in and out of focus, what was happening? 

Suddenly, there was soft hands holding his, stopping him completely and when he looked up- there he was. Yuri. All Otabek focused on was the green beautiful eyes piercing into his, as if Yuri had all control of him, Otabek would be lying if he said it wasn’t something he longed for. “What is it that you need?” Yuri spoke softly, leading Otabek out of the kitchen, his voice so reassuring. Everything Otabek wanted and needed. “I want to take care of you.” Yuri continued, helping him get to the sofa, encouraging him to relax. 

_I should be doing that._

“You need to relax, Otabek.” Yuri helped with his shirt first, taking off his collar and tossing it somewhere on the floor. Confusion fled everywhere, Yuri had been sick, he should be resting and worrying about himself. Why was he doing this? 

His thin fingers carefully undid each button of his shirt, taking his time to not cause any sudden reaction in Otabek, but it’s not like he could do anything to stop him. He didn’t want to. 

It was devastating to see he was right where he began, he knew it was wrong but truthfully, why should he care? He ruined everything with Father James, he ruined everything for himself and all he had was Yuri, his first and perhaps only love in front of him. It had to be enough. 

Otabek decided it was time to act, to follow his true emotions and he didn’t know exactly why, all he wanted was to take care of Yuri. In his daze, he built up the courage to steadily hold Yuri by his wrists and switch their positions. It was unexpected, Yuri stared at him, wide eyed but with no objection. Seconds passed between them, they stared into each other’s eyes, rough breathing and anticipation building up carefully. 

“Yuri,” Otabek breathed out. He didn’t think about it, he decided that thinking too much led him to destruction, he couldn’t deal with that anymore. Otabek connected their lips before he could regret it. Yuri’s lips felt so good on him like puzzle pieces connecting and clearing up his mind from all the confusion. It was far from that. “I need to take care of you, you have been through so much today I can’t let you go on like this.” He spoke confidently, loving Yuri like he remembered, and the best part was that Yuri allowed him.

Slowly, Otabek started tugging at Yuri’s shirt, his kisses weren’t delicate anymore. He had a purpose and he set his mind out to do it, no restraints. 

“Wait,” Yuri placed his hand on Otabek’s bare chest, he looked up to him with a pained expression. Something so hard to explain yet so simple. “What about- what about the church?” Yuri winced at the last word like it had a bad portrayal attached to it. Otabek felt a shiver run down his spine. He didn’t have to think this now so he wasn’t, the damage was done. 

“You worry about this now?” Otabek wanted to laugh, not because he thought the situation was funny but because there was an irony behind everything that Yuri brought with him, how he worried about where Otabek was at now. Yuri’s eyes widened, shifting uncomfortably under Otabek’s touch. He looked away, licking his lips and sinking into the sofa. 

_Did I say something wrong?_

“Yuri?” Otabek whispered, giving him space. “Are you-“

“Forget it.” Yuri intervened and finally looked at him, he pulled him closer and guided their lips together. It was a sudden change in his persona but Otabek couldn’t say he was surprised. “It doesn’t matter anymore, does it?” Otabek hummed. “You’re mine now.” 

“Yes.” 

Something about it felt rushed, like he was detached and viewing himself from an outsider's lense. It couldn’t be that though. What he felt was real, the closeness and the desire. Otabek closed his eyes, feeling and hearing his ragged breathing in the confined space he shared with Yuri. He felt the heat of wanting Yuri running through his veins, drenching him in it. 

Otabek opened his eyes to find himself in the shower, the hot water massaging his strained muscles. He blinked again, feeling disoriented as he tried to ground himself but all he felt was hands cruising through his body, caressing and craving more. 

“I’ve missed you,” Yuri cooed in his ear, the owner of those wandering hands. Otabek swallowed, tilting his head back to rest on the crook of Yuri’s neck. “I know you have too.” He laughed softly, that laughter that was music to Otabek’s ears, laughter that made him feel like he was in heaven. 

“Where have you been?” Otabek’s curiosity struck the most just then, he didn’t know why but all the regained trust made him feel invincible. “All this time...I didn’t think too much about it, I thought- I hoped it was for the best.”

“Did you believed it?” Yuri touched his shoulders gently, turning to face him as the sincere question escaped his lips. Otabek gasped, unable to believe someone as beautiful as Yuri was in front of him. Once again. It was breathtaking. “I was looking for answers,” Yuri started, placing a gently hand to Otabek’s face, tracing the softness of his lips with his thumb. “Like you, I was hopeless. I thought I would never find someone to love like I loved you.”

His eyes rested softly, pushing away tears threatening to fall. Any sad feelings were unwanted, only because Otabek was beginning to gain his happiness back. “Did you? Did you find anyone?” He wasn’t afraid to ask, he knew the pain and sorrow wouldn’t last long. 

“No. There’s no one who can replace you-“ Yuri reached behind Otabek, turning off the water from the shower. Silence overwhelmed them, with the few drops of remaining water falling loudly to the ground. “That wasn’t even an option, there just wasn’t anything else for me.” 

Otabek stood frozen in place, unsure on how he should take all that information. It was valuable to him, there was no way he was pushing it away. He just didn’t know how react. 

When Otabek’s silence consumed them both, perhaps simultaneously, Yuri acted quickly. He opened the glass door and grabbed a towel. He helped Otabek put it on around his waist, unbothered by his unsaid thoughts. “I didn’t find anything, not what I was looking for but maybe what I needed.” Yuri continued, gently drying his hair with a towel as Otabek stepped out of the shower and continued to overthink. Yuri knew him too well. 

“I’ll wait for you in the room.” Otabek murmured, he couldn’t handle seeing what he’d caused, what he had done to someone he claimed to love. Someone who he still loved, dearly. He knew there was so much damage done but he didn’t expect it to hit him out of nowhere. All at once, a sombre feeling devastated him, a feeling only Yuri could induce. 

“Don’t you want to know what happened? How it changed me?” Yuri smirked, it was the same tone Otabek didn’t like, the one that didn’t suit him. They maintained eye contact as Otabek walked out of the room and Yuri didn’t let him go until Otabek nodded, slowly. 

He laid in bed, somewhat still damp and exposed like he’d never been to someone else, considering his situation. He heard Yuri’s distant voice, humming to a melody he didn’t recognize. He heard steps approaching him and that’s when his trance like state began taking over him. Otabek’s skin rose with goosebumps, his eyes halfway open allowed him to see Yuri approaching him just as exposed as he was. “Yuri,” he mumbled, hoping the feeling of disorientation would fade away. 

“You’re not scared of me, are you?” Yuri climbed on top of Otabek, teasing him, doing what he did best. 

“Should I?” Otabek breathed out, following Yuri’s lips eagerly. It had been a long time since he’d been touched like this, sure, whatever happened in the church should count but this was more intimate. More personal. Back in the church, it felt rushed, it felt like a sort of revenge but not this, it was genuine. 

“No.” Yuri chuckled. He pinned Otabek’s hands next to his head and started kissing down his neck, down his chest. “I can sense your fear, you know, but sometimes lust takes over you the more I coerce you.” Yuri let go of his hands, grabbing Otabek’s face with both hands and planting his lips aggressively on the latter's, before he complained or even tried to stop him. 

Stopping him wasn’t an option at this point, they both knew it. However, Yuri needed reassurance, he needed to know Otabek was willing to give himself in and so much more. Otabek didn’t know about that, he didn’t need to know. 

“Why…” Otabek whispered as Yuri sat back on his thighs, that’s when he realized what was making him more delirious than before. Yuri stroke him, a delicate and confident movement to it. Yuri bit his lip, running down his free hand, exploring his own body until he reached his own desire. He tilted his head to the side, moaning softly as he stimulated himself. 

“Uhmm, I ask the same thing. For a religious man you don’t have much to prove for it, do you?” 

Otabek glanced around his room, he was right. He had taken down every single thing that represented his religion, way before he reunited with Yuri. There was no proudness in that. “What happened to you?” Otabek dared to ask. Memories of what happened earlier that day came crashing to him, he needed answers. Yuri was denying him that, pushing it far away from him and that’s when Otabek realized that’s exactly what he was avoiding. 

“Remember I said I found what I needed, something that promised me everything I wanted.” Yuri continued to stroke him, more fiercely than before. “It was before my mother became sick, it was when you left me alone and hopeless.” He snickered as he reached for something in the nightstand, Otabek couldn’t tell what it was. “Although my mother was the one who made it truly start…”

“I’m sorry, I couldn’t do much.” Otabek arched his back, a cold liquid ran down his length. Yuri sighed, lifting himself up slightly and slowly beginning to sink down. 

“Otabek, you’re enjoying this, right?” 

He couldn’t answer that, his breath had been taken away as he felt the tightness of the blonde around him, so heavenly painful. It felt good, unbelievable good, but it didn’t feel right. It didn’t feel like Yuri, Otabek remembered how Yuri felt and it wasn’t this. “It feels…” Yuri moaned loudly, he completely took everything that Otabek gave him. “Different…” Otabek was able to say between airy pants. 

“I love you.” 

Otabek squeezed his eyes shut, feeling Yuri’s weight shift between his body. The water that damped his body was replaced by sweat, he bit his lips softly, holding Yuri by his waist and listening attentively to the sounds they were both creating. The loud moans, skin meeting skin, sin and lust engulfing them entirely. 

“I love you too.” Otabek breathed out, opening his eyes and taking it all in. He acted briskly after, it felt strange but he went along with it. Before he knew it, Yuri’s body was no longer on top of his. Otabek held him tightly by his waist, he was positive it would leave bruises, that didn’t stop him. He wasn’t gentle, he slammed his hips thunderously against Yuri’s tightness. 

“Keep going-“ 

Otabek was certain he was going to pass out, he could barely breath, keep his head together and comprehend everything happening in the moment. He soon forgot, Yuri’s moans made him delirious, made his body shiver uncontrollably. He came soon after, one last thrust buried deep inside Yuri’s desire. 

He collapsed momentarily, his whole body shook with pain, more than one pain. The fogginess seized up as well, taking over his senses and making him surrender. The last thing Otabek remembered was Yuri grinning viciously at him, as they laid side by side in a bed full of corruption.

—

_Otabek abruptly awoke, he groaned as the brightness coming from an unknown source made his eyes hurt. He closed them again, avoiding the pain. He didn’t know where he was, perhaps it was a dream. A dream too realistic to snap out of and escape completely._

_He somewhat took control of his senses, feeling the coldness of the ground beneath his feet. He placed a hand over his eyes, like he would if the sun was illuminating his face. This was too bright and unrealistic to be the sun, that’s how much he knew. He wasn’t sure why but he began to walk, an unfamiliar energy pulling him closer to its core._

_As he continued to walk, he heard the faint cries of someone, cries so familiar he choked out in agony.  He continued to his unbeknownst path, each step bringing him closer to the brightness and to the end of whatever lured him in. He saw Yuri sitting on the edge of something- he couldn’t see where- his back to him. He approached him cautiously, careful not to surprise him._

_“He made me do it.” Yuri cried out, his attention fixated to the place in front of him, where his eyes wouldn’t look away. Not even the slightest._

_“What?” Otabek looked to the same place, the scenery slowly coming into focus. The hospital bed was placed in the middle of the bright room. He recognized it, and he recognized who was laying in that same bed. Yulia. Otabek felt a pressure against his chest, the same unnamed dread coming back to attack him. “Who made you do what, Yuri?” His voice grew in panic, why was he thinking the worst? “What did you do?” Otabek held Yuri by his shoulders, forcing the blonde to look at him._

_The unfallen tears in bright red eyes didn’t make an appearance right away, there was a split second of stillness before distress completely hit. “What did I do?! What did I do?!” Yuri bawled painfully, his misery making him unable to breathe. He held onto Otabek tightly, unintentionally marking his nails into his forearms. “No, she can’t- he made me hurt her!”_

—  
An unusual sound woke him up for real this time, how did he know that? He wasn’t exactly sure. 

A phone rung loudly in the quietness of his cold, dark room. The phone didn’t belong to him, which reminded him he wasn’t alone. Otabek was still confused, a headache hinting at the back of his head. Yuri picked up on the third ring. “Hello?” An indistinguishable voice spoke on the other side of the line. Yuri hummed at the words until— “she died didn’t she?” Otabek didn’t know what to be more shocked about— The fact that he had a dream about Yulia last night, a dream so terrifying and telling just thinking about it made him nauseous. Or the disturbing calmness in Yuri’s response. 

It couldn’t be. He refused to let that thought process. 

_Yuri couldn’t have possibly done this- could he?_


	8. Part VIII

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It’s going somewhere :’)

Yuri remained calm even after the call. He stood up slowly and stretched his body, completely disregarding Otabek’s company. It’s not like Otabek could say anything, he couldn’t stop overthinking, couldn’t stop himself from going to the most darkest places in his own thoughts. That dream meant nothing, it was a dream and nothing more, perhaps even a nightmare. Nightmares aren’t supposed to become true, are they? 

The blonde yawned, moving his hair to the side and idly brushing his fingers through it, like he was expecting something. Otabek couldn’t face him, he sat in the bed, the sheets partially covering his naked body and a knot in his throat, painfully getting tighter by the second. There was something he was starting to understand and accept, but the confusion clouded his senses just as good as it had always been. Like a thin curtain that suffocated and masked everything he had known throughout the years, but he wasn’t willing to accept it yet.

Or maybe, he was. 

“There’s something you want to say,” a sweet, raspy voice spoke again. Otabek hummed, a half attempt at trying to brush it off like nothing. A dream meant nothing, he knew himself too well to let the delusion sink in. However, something was evil and he was well aware of it now, after his soul was corrupted, after he became a _sinner._

Evil stared right at him, but he wasn't willing to look at it. He was afraid, so afraid, his body shivered slightly. _What is this?_ That dreadful feeling attacking his senses again and somehow he wanted to confront it, this time it was different. He wanted to control it and figure out the darkness surrounding himself but most specifically, Yuri.

Yuri was the evil. 

“I didn’t want to believe at first,” Otabek said, squeezing the sheets tightly. He understood why but he couldn’t explain it. The dream, it was like a message, perhaps even from God, one he didn’t get at first but now he wasn’t going to ignore it. “But you’re different, it’s not the same.” Otabek didn't know why he was bringing it up now, but the call had cleared his mind, all of the things that happened when Yuri was around him. It was all making sense. 

Why was he blinded- why until now?

There was a sudden change in Yuri, he sat down and placed all his attention on Otabek. He didn’t say anything but his gazed burned into Otabek’s- there was a softness behind it. “Say it.” Otabek blinked when his eyes started burning, he realized they were beginning to fill with tears, the feeling too familiar to ignore. 

“You didn’t tell me what happened- I need to know what really happened to you.” Otabek said, keeping a stable tone in his voice. He was cold, he felt so alone all of the sudden, every single emotion threatening to consume him. Yuri suddenly grabbed his hand, holding tightly, like he was trying to spread warmth to his body- warmth that he didn’t have. 

“You _know_ what happened, Otabek. You need to remember.” 

_What’s going on?_ Otabek breathed deeply, just as if he was getting out of a daydream. Everything was confusing but what exactly did he expect to get, especially after Yuri invaded his life so drastically. No. After evil invaded his life. 

Nothing happened, there was nothing to remember, what was Yuri talking about? Why was he holding his hand? “This is a dream, isn’t it?” Otabek heard his voice but it felt so distant. “Don’t do that, again.” Otabek tried warning Yuri, a big part of him knew that whenever he went away in his own thoughts, it was all caused by Yuri. He realized everything, it was all Yuri. 

“No.” The blonde simply said, Otabek found comfort in that. He couldn’t explain it, at this point nothing had to be explained. “You won’t remember on your own, will you?” Otabek hummed, his eyes slowly closing as Yuri ran the back of his fingers down his face, tenderly lulling him to sleep. “This isn’t _him_ helping you- it’s me. It’s getting tiring, Otabek, why won’t you remember?” 

“Why-” Otabek mumbled and then- darkness. 

_“He used me to get to you. I didn’t want this, Otabek. He promised me we were going to be together again. I realized it was all wrong but when I did- he took my mother.” ___

__Otabek gasped as his eyes opened, eyes that were looking into a different place. He was in an empty church, the church he used to go to when he was smaller. He heard whispers, they belonged to his parents. _Why am I here?_ _ _

__He began walking the long corridor until he reached the altar. There was a large crucifixion in the middle, he took a second to observe and admire the peace he felt inside his chest. It was rewarding. Or at the age, he believed it was. He continued to hear the whispers, he began following the sound until he reached a door. He remembered the priest was very strict on it, only certain people were allowed inside. There was a darkness surrounding that room, he had learned later on when his church friends began whispering about it after their Sunday class. No one truly knew why but Otabek could sense it._ _

__Otabek didn’t dare to walk in, instead he placed an ear to the door and listened closely._ _

__“You need to protect him, whatever happens, you have to promise me.” It was Otabek’s mother speaking, a part of him wanted to cry. He didn’t have many memories of her but the ones he did have, they were all beautiful. Beautifully painful._ _

__“I will.” His father replied back, pausing for what seemed to be eternity before continuing. “You need to fight it, darling, you can’t let it take you.”_ _

__“It’s the only way I can protect him.”_ _

__Otabek opened his eyes for the second time, he breathed erratically, feeling the hot tears roll down his face. He was back in his apartment. Yuri was still next to him in the bed, his head resting on his shoulder._ _

__“You are a sinner.” Yuri spoke softly, Otabek could only feel the feathery breathing near his chest. “From the day you were born, that’s why he wants you.”_ _

___A sinner?_ _ _

____Otabek cleaned his tears with his hand and batted away the few remaining in his eyes, trying to forget the nostalgia he felt by remembering his mother. He wasn’t close to her, that’s what he always remembered. She had passed away not long after he was ten years old, that’s when his father fully devoted himself to religion. That’s when his father's hatred towards him began. “Why did my mother die?” Otabek asked to no one in particular, he desperately wanted to piece everything together. “Was it my fault?” He found himself lost, like all those times he prayed to God, asking him for an answer. Asking him for the pain to go away._ _ _ _

____Eventually, it went away. The sadness and grief he carried with him. Yuri took part of his healing or perhaps even the temporary act of hiding the pain. Otabek wasn’t going to blatantly admit it. His faith was stronger than anything else._ _ _ _

____Faith._ _ _ _

____“It’s not your fault.” Yuri didn’t move. He sighed deeply as he struggled to lift his head up. He seemed weak and Otabek felt a sharp pain in his chest, Yuri didn’t deserve to go through this yet he was because of his “love”. One that he couldn’t return thoroughly. From what he understood, it all went deeper than what he thought._ _ _ _

____Otabek held Yuri’s head in his hands, watching as the blonde’s eyes rested softly and as his breathing started to even out. “What’s wrong, Yuri? What’s going on?” A feeling of protection overwhelmed him. _Why is this happening?__ _ _ _

____“You need to help me, Otabek.” Yuri whispered, “I can’t fight him much longer, you know what you need to do.” Yuri gasped then, his lungs filling with air so harshly Otabek could almost feel it. Yuri chuckled, that same sinister laugh, the one Otabek didn’t recognize as Yuri. It wasn’t him, he knew it but his heart raced thinking about how to confront it._ _ _ _

____“Yuri, I’m sorry.” Otabek felt the tears filling his eyes again but he inhaled and exhaled all the tension. He needed to be strong. He didn’t know what he needed to do but he was going to figure it out. “I’m so sorry.”_ _ _ _

____Yuri opened his eyes, the clear emeralds stared at him maliciously. The way the blonde’s lips curved into a smile sent shivers down his spine, the vibrations of that laughter- it wasn’t Yuri anymore._ _ _ _

____“Come with me, Otabek.”_ _ _ _


End file.
